


The Experiment

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, M/M, Matchmaking, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-12
Updated: 2004-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23019043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Spock makes it clear he wants more than friendship but the morning after isn't what Jim had dreamed it would be...[This story was printed in "t’hy’la" number 24 in July 2004]
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 338





	The Experiment

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the ‘experiment’ that T’Pol did on Trip on “Star Trek: Enterprise”. Thanks so much to Nancy for great and quick beta even though she’s not into this fandom. You’re such a sweetheart *hugs and kisses*

Jim was awakened by a faint thundering sound just under his ear. He instinctively tensed in case of danger but as he opened his eyes and saw his darkened quarters on the Enterprise he relaxed…until he felt warm, very warm, flesh underneath his head. For a moment he was confused. Had he taken a woman to bed? No. He would never bed someone from his own crew…that was unethical. Given his status, she might have felt threatened into doing something she didn’t wish to do. However he knew they had not been transporting any passengers lately.

Jim turned his head to look at his lover, suddenly aware of the very muscular and quite male body that he was half covering with his own. With a rush of heat that went straight to his genitals, Jim remembered what had happened the evening before and how he had come to end up here, with his head lying on Spock’s side, the rapid Vulcan heartbeat thundering Jim awake moments before his wakeup call.

Last night had been an evening like any other. After duty, Jim and Spock had dined with Bones, talking and enjoying the usual banter that flowed between them. Jim, happy that his ship was safe and his crew well, had enjoyed visiting with his two best friends.

The last several weeks had been hard; they had had many demanding missions and it was nice to have a week or two with a quiet milk run. Smiling at his friends’ teasing, Jim had let himself recall how different things had been when he had first taken command. Bones had been an old friend; it had been a pleasure to welcome him on board the Enterprise. Spock, however, was another matter - Jim had never had to work this much on a friendship before.

Spock had kept very much to himself and Jim had had to practically order him to interact just a little with the crew when he was off duty. Though Bones had gone along with Jim’s attempts at socializing with Spock, the doctor had also been puzzled as to Jim’s tolerance of Spock’s emotionally-controlled behavior. If Spock didn’t wish to be included then Bones felt no need to arm-wrestle the matter with the stoic Vulcan.

Jim, however, had seen something in Spock that no one else seemed to see. No matter what words of logic Spock used, Jim could hear the emotions in his voice and see them in his eyes. Behind that stern facade was loneliness and fear of rejection the Vulcan carefully concealed. Jim began to love Spock’s dry sense of humor - humor only he seemed to get - and he quickly came to highly value Spock’s advice.

During the first few months of his command, Jim made a point of seeing that Spock was always included in the same off-duty activities as he himself was. Spock never asked to be included in anything and everyone else seemed hesitant to push their human emotions and illogic on the Vulcan. Jim made a particular point of making sure Spock made an appearance at the ship’s formal parties. Two of the more important ones were the Christmas/Winter Solstice party, which celebrated dozens of different winter festivals, and Federation Day, which honored the many New Year events on the crew’s home worlds. Jim made sure Spock spent at least a few hours at these parties and he was careful to include him in conversations with others. It was also during those first months that they began the tradition of eating together, if ship’s business permitted. When Jim discovered they shared a mutual interest in chess, another tradition began.

Now, part way through their five year mission, Spock often initiated off-duty activities such as sparring in the gym, and playing chess. This pleased Jim to no end. He knew that, with anyone else, Spock’s initiative in these matters might seem like a small thing, but to Jim they were valued treasures. Most valued were those special times Spock had briefly shown flashes of emotion to him - concern when he had been in danger, or the pure joy he had revealed when he had seen that he had not killed Jim on Vulcan during his Pon Farr. He still clearly recalled the first time Spock had called him Jim - it had made him smile for days.

Shortly after the time of Spock’s Pon Farr Jim had acknowledged that his warm feelings towards Spock had turned from friendship, to feeling closer to him than he ever had to his own brother. He had been startled to realize that his emotions now encompassed all of that - and those of a would-be lover as well. He had come to care so deeply for Spock that he loved him; Spock had become the other part of his soul.

After what he had seen on Vulcan, Jim had checked out the ship’s databases for information on Vulcan mating rituals and options. What he had found convinced him that his best option was to keep the sexual part of his love for Spock a secret. Given how much Spock tried to fight his human side and given what he knew of the 7-year mating cycle and Vulcan logic, Jim had to admit that his most powerful argument - that he loved Spock - would hold little meaning for the Vulcan. He still recalled Spock telling him he felt ashamed about his feelings of friendship for Jim. Jim was certain that feelings of sexual love would make Spock feel even worse; he would fight those feelings even harder.

Jim knew he should be satisfied that Spock felt comfortable enough with their friendship to initiate chess games and sessions in the gym. He couldn’t assume that Spock would be open to a sexual relationship - he was sure Spock would find such a relationship illogical. Vulcans considered children very important – but even if the matter of children wasn’t an issue - genetic engineering would probably be the only way for Spock to father children regardless of the gender of his lifemate - then Jim felt he still had way too much against him. Spock would be sure to point out they were First Officer and Captain, and that there were regulations against fraternization. Though those rules could be bypassed - especially if they were to bond in the Vulcan way and if Spock’s very influential family spoke on their behalf - these were still rules Spock would have to first break.

In any event, Jim guessed that Sarek would disapprove of him as a bondmate for his son. Jim was certain that, despite their rift, Spock would follow the Vulcan way to please his father. Jim was human - Vulcans didn’t seem to hold humans in very high regard. Jim couldn’t see that he had much counting in his favor. Therefore Jim had done his best to keep his sexual feelings for Spock a secret, especially when they touched or mind melded. So far he had seemed to be successful. Though at times it was bittersweet to be so close to Spock and yet so endlessly far from him, Jim accepted that it was how things had to be. He contented himself to enjoy the aspects of love that they could share, despite the emotional barriers Spock’s Vulcan side placed between them. 

After their relaxed dinner with Bones that evening, Spock had suggested they play chess in Jim’s room and he had readily agreed. But after they played one game, Spock had set about a chain of events that changed everything between them. As Jim had been about to reset the chess pieces for a second game, Spock had sat back, his attention on Jim, his eyes piercing into him. Jim had had been puzzled by that intense look.

“Captain…Jim, I have known for some time about your sexual interest in me,” he had calmly said as if he said such things to him every day. Jim had nearly fallen out of his chair in shock, his cheeks flaming red hot in embarrassment and shame.

“Spock,” he had begun, leaning towards him, careful not to touch him. “I’m sorry. You must have picked it up when I touched you or when we melded. I tried to shield it from you. I’m sorry it made you uncomfortable.” He had feverishly hoped that Spock would understand that it was a mistake; he didn’t know what he would do if Spock transferred away from the Enterprise - and him - just because he had been unable to control his emotions.

“You misunderstand me,” Spock had said softly, just as calmly as before. He had shocked Jim further by taking one of his hands in his and folding it into the two-fingered embrace he had seen Spock’s parents use. Spock matched the motion with his own hand and had begun to move his fingers up and down Jim’s in a surprisingly erotic movement. “I find the idea of a sexual encounter with you…fascinating,” Spock had finished, his voice even deeper and richer than it had been only seconds before.

Jim had begun to feel heat rise in him. Spock stopped his movement and held his hand still. Jim decided to reciprocate what Spock had just done; from Spock’s softened expression, he seemed to be doing right. He stopped his movements and Spock’s eyes settled on him, warm heat like molten lava in their brown depths.

“Fascinating, hmm?” Jim had said in a whisper as he had risen from his seat and had knelt before Spock, smiling warmly up at him, not believing his luck. All his dreams were coming true… all his seemly impossible dreams. Casting caution and logic to the wind Jim let his emotions and desire control his actions. “I will show you something really… fascinating,” Jim had promised as his mouth had found something lower than Spock’s fingers to play with.

Jim smiled as he recalled how the rest of the night had gone. Spock had seemed eager to try many different things, including kissing and not always on the mouth, pleasantly surprising Jim as he’d heard that Vulcans didn’t kiss. He also taught Jim about Vulcan sexuality and how to excite a Vulcan; Jim was quick to explore their similarities and differences. After he had given Spock his first blowjob, they had moved to the bed, which led to Spock taking Jim, and afterwards the other way around.

Jim quickly found out Vulcans recovered very quickly after sex, but though he was young, Jim didn’t have Spock’s strength or stamina. Despite being willing, that was about all that Jim had the strength for in one sitting, and he reluctantly started to doze off. He had found it sweet and very arousing that his normally so-calm Vulcan friend had been so eager and so hot in bed. He knew there would be more - he had read that Vulcans didn’t have casual affairs. He fell asleep, awed with the realization that he was ready for more than brief encounters; ready to commit his life to another…

The alarm clock rang, interrupting Jim’s thoughts and the loud noise made Jim’s hot living pillow move underneath him.

“Alarm off,” Jim said to the computer and it complied. Spock stirred and Jim reluctantly released his lover from his embrace. Spock sat up in bed and looked at him, his face and eyes soft and warm. Jim smiled happily and kissed him gently on the lips, feeling Spock responding in kind.

“Morning,” he said warmly as he drew back, his eyes and skin glowing from the evening’s aftermath. “We need to talk about what happens now. I don’t like the idea of us having to sneak around,” Jim said more seriously but with a smile in his eyes, waiting for Spock to agree and thus talk about how Vulcans didn’t have casual affairs and furthermore tell him there would be no need to sneak around.

To his surprise Spock’s face seemed to crumble in pain at his words and Jim wondered if he had done something wrong, stepped on some sort of Vulcan social taboo. As he looked at Spock he could literally see the agony in his friend’s face and eyes fade away, replaced by the same mask Spock wore while on duty; professional, calm and emotionally unreadable. Deciding that it could only be a mask, because they had just had sex, Jim leaned in for another kiss.

To his surprise Spock drew back from him with a flicker of pain in his eyes that was gone so quickly that Jim wasn’t sure if he had seen it. Stunned and hurt, Jim drew back and watched as Spock swung his legs out of the bed on the opposite side of Jim. He stood up and turned towards Jim, standing as regal and calm as ever despite his nakedness.

“Captain, may I use your bathroom?” The emotionless words were like a slap in the face. Jim nodded mutely. Spock made an almost invisible nod of his head in acknowledgment then walked calmly to the bathroom, still managing to convey the impression of someone fleeing. He went inside, closing and locking the door behind him.

Jim remained in his bed as he heard Spock move about in the bathroom. In an age-old gesture of self-protection he drew the covers up around his naked body. Hurt and confusion were almost physical pains in his mind, giving him a headache. He couldn’t understand it. They had had sex…how could Spock be reacting like this? Was this what sex with a Vulcan was always like?

Jim had known Spock wouldn’t be as verbal or as affectionate as a human lover would have been but he had been sure Spock would have more human towards him in private or that if he couldn’t express affection verbally, this would be compensated for in the mental bond he had read Vulcans had between lovers…

Of course! Jim almost snapped his fingers as it came to him. That was what had been missing. Jim was amazed as to why he hadn’t recalled it before but then he had to fight down a blush as he recalled how excited they had both become when the heat of their own desire and passion had consumed them. Now he knew what had been nagging at him - Spock hadn’t mind melded with him. He hadn’t asked for it and in fact hadn’t even touched him near the meld points.

The most obvious answer as to why he hadn’t melded them was because Spock didn’t wish for anything permanent. Despite what he had read about Vulcans and commitment, Spock as a half-human could have different needs. Or, it had only been a few months since his Pon Farr and Spock hadn’t mated with anyone during his Time so perhaps he still had some residual need. There was also the possibility that Spock had gotten cold feet, been ashamed of his passion the night before…his very human loss of control. 

The noise of Spock’s return from the bathroom shook Jim out of his dark thoughts. He forced himself to keep an open mind; he pushed aside the theories his fears had suggested.

Spock had taken a shower and had a towel around his waist. Just seeing the Vulcan almost took Jim’s breath away; he did his best to control his body and his heart’s reaction to the sight of him. Spock dressed quickly in his uniform while Jim remained silent on the bed, waiting for Spock to say…something, anything.

Once fully dressed, Spock turned around to face Jim, his face still as emotionless as earlier. “I…I must thank you, Captain,” he said in a monotone that made Jim want to throw something at him. He bit off a bitter remark that this emotional distance was a bit hypocritical when Spock a few hours earlier in the heat of passion had begged to fuck him and have Jim fuck him in return.

“Thank me? Whatever for?” Jim was proud at himself that his voice only sounded surprised and not as angry and hurt as he felt.

“For letting me conduct this experiment in human sexuality of course,” he said as if that much was obvious.

“What?!” This time Jim couldn’t hide his shock and anger and the word was a yell that only the sound-proof doors prevented from being heard all over the deck.

Spock calmly looked at him, hands clasped behind his back. “From your previous sexual activities and from your sexual thoughts about me, I found this a mutually gratifying arrangement,” he calmly explained.

Furious beyond words Jim jumped up from the bed, uncaring about his own nakedness. “Get out!” he ordered, his voice ice cold and tightly controlled, the most deadly kind of rage in him.

Spock raised his eyebrow at him but merely nodded. “As you wish, Captain. I should like to change uniforms before I report to the bridge,” he said as he went to the door.

Jim resisted the urge to say that he didn’t want to see him on the bridge at all, ever, in uniform or otherwise but controlled himself. “Fine. Now, leave,” he got out through clenched teeth. Spock did so, the door closing behind him. Jim stared after him for a little while, then without really seeing it picked up the nearest heavy object he could find on his desk, a small statuette of a horse, and hurled it at the nearest wall with all his strength. It shattered to pieces. “Damn!” he yelled furiously, giving in to his anger and pain.

Who the hell did Spock think he was? Previous sexual activities? Spock made it sound like he had slept with anyone who came his way, which was far from the case. Jim knew he had quite a reputation as a tomcat, he also knew he hadn’t been with nearly as many women as no doubt many people believed. 

Though it was second-nature for him to flirt with women, recently it had seemed the only women he had been involved with had been on matters of ship’s business - he knew he was skilled at seduction, and he had used this skill often to gain information or to win an enemy’s favor. But for himself… there had not been all that many women he had truly cared for - the last being Miramanee and his tragic love for her. Even though he had lost his memory before the encounter, she had shown him that his heart could indeed commit to one person. The loss of her, and that of their unborn child, had made him long for someone to could call his own before it proved too late. As for men, he had only been with one before Spock, a nervous encounter in his youth that could still make him blush slightly in embarrassment when he thought about the disaster that had become. Until he had met Spock he hadn’t felt the desire for another male lover. Besides the unpleasant memory of his only male lover Jim also felt he found the best gratification in women. Spock had been different - he fulfilled an emotional need; it had been love and not just sex... at least it had been love, for Jim.

Spock’s words about his ‘previous sexual activities’ made him feel filthy - worse, this whole night, which a few minutes ago had seemed like all his dreams coming true, now felt bitter and wrong. He had never felt this cheap or used before; the fact that his hurt outweighed his anger only made him feel worse.

As always when he was in an emotional crisis it was his love for his ship that pulled him through. He forced himself to go in the bathroom and showered till he was almost scalded by the hot water and his skin was red from where he had furiously rubbed to remove every last invisible trace of Spock and their lovemaking. Finally, he had dressed in a new uniform, throwing the one Spock had so lovingly taken off him the evening before into the recycler. That done, he forced himself to walk to the bridge, keeping his mind blank.

Getting through a routine bridge shift was pure torture. Spock was as cold and distant as the first day he had met him and his own thoughts kept betraying him with painful images of how loving he had been the night earlier. All an experiment…he had been a damn lab rat, chosen for his sexual desire! Shame and humiliation colored Jim’s cheeks even as he fought it down. He should have known loving a Vulcan was a mistake.

He was barely able to look at his First Officer, who was calmly going about his duties. He had heard sarcastic comments over the years about Vulcans; how they had a block of ice where their heart should be. He had never believed that of Spock before, but there was nothing in Spock’s voice or posture which indicated the Vulcan was aware of the tension between them.

Nor did he see anything else in Spock that could explain what had happened between them as anything other than what Spock had already told him. Jim knew it was pointless to hope for anything else. Vulcans didn’t lie and even if they did why would Spock lie about this?

Jim began to wish for an alien ship or a mysterious entity to show up - anything at all to distract him. Spock was clearly determined to go through his shift in his super-Vulcan mode; denying that their night together had ever existed. Jim would be damned if he left his own bridge or otherwise backed down. He had survived heartache and loss before, too many times for him to want to recall. He’d survive this rejection, as well.

Clenching his teeth tightly together, Jim watched the minutes tick away until the shift was finally over, seemingly the longest shift he had ever had. Gathering all his pride around him, Jim left the bridge. He was secretly relieved when Spock stayed, apparently still deeply involved with the data readings at his console.

Jim leaned against the back wall of the turbo lift as soon as the doors closed and the lift began to take him towards his own deck. He fought to keep himself together. He was the Captain. He would not fall apart. He had survived before against all odds. He would not fall apart now just because the man he had loved for years had taken his most beautiful dream and turned it into something ugly. He would get through this.

Jim kept repeating that mantra in his mind as he exited the turbo lift. He called Bones from his quarters, explaining he had a headache and wouldn’t be joining him for dinner as they had previously planned. To his relief, McCoy was busy running some tests in his lab and, other than a single concerned question about Jim’s haunted look which Jim explained away as tiredness, Bones wished him well and let it go.

Jim took a deep breath and briefly closed his eyes before he reopened them. His gaze settled on the broken statuette lying on the floor against the wall where he had thrown it earlier. He knelt beside it and winced. This had been the last gift his brother had given him before he had died.

Fighting back a lump in his throat Jim carefully gathered all the pieces and with the aid of the computer he managed to put it back together again but the cracks in the statuette were still clearly visible. Jim found the symbolism very fitting and placed the statuette on his night table where he would see it first thing in the morning and the last thing in the evening. Then he settled on his bed, forcing himself to think of nothing as he stared up at the ceiling. His stomach protested that he hadn’t eaten all day but he welcomed the physical discomfort for it took his mind off his mental agony.

Physical pain he was used to; that he could fight. This emptiness he felt inside was something he didn’t know what to do with. It seemed all he had known about the universe had been proved wrong. Before, if there has been one certainty in this universe, it was that Spock would always be there for him. Now he realized he had been naive. He had known there had been boundaries that Spock, as a Vulcan, could never cross yet still he had hoped for just that. He had wished for the impossible and that was why he had been so disappointed.

It wasn’t Spock’s fault that he was the way he was. Spock had never claimed to be anything but Vulcan, anything but a logical man. Despite the small indulgences and flashes of emotion Spock had sometimes thrown his way, Jim should have realized that anything more than the friendship they had shared was impossible. Jim knew, though, that he was a fighter and an optimist at heart. Even though his mind had warned him this love was impossible, his heart had been too stubborn to listen. His mind and heart often didn’t see eye to eye.

He knew he should let the pain, anger and hurt go, but he couldn’t - not yet. He doubted that things could ever be the same again between Spock and him. He suddenly wished the night they had shared had never happened; that way he would, at least, have been able to keep his fantasies about what perfect love with Spock would be like. 

* * * * *

“Jim, may I have a word with you?”

The polite note of concern in McCoy’s voice made Jim uneasy. It had been four weeks since the fateful night with Spock and they had both done their best to avoid each other since then. Jim had considered going to Bones, feeling the doctor was his last friend in a suddenly very cold and hard universe. The red glowing agony that he had felt just after his night with Spock had turned into a cold hand of ice around his heart. Nothing made him smile or feel happy anymore, both things that used to be easy when things had still been good between Spock and himself. He tried to pretend nothing had changed, just as Spock did, but he knew no one was fooled. 

They didn’t even dine together anymore. Their dinner table, which usually included the three of them, had been reduced to just Jim and McCoy. More often, Jim, like Spock, preferred to eat alone or not at all. McCoy hadn’t been fooled by their poor performance of normality and had tried several times to get Jim to talk. He’d quickly given up trying to get Spock, who was now in constant super-Vulcan mode, to say anything useful to him.

Jim knew exactly how a conversation with Bones would go if he did speak with him. _Yeah, you see Bones, I’m a real romantic at heart. I fell in love with my Vulcan First Officer and we fucked and guess what? He can’t love me. Oh, you aren’t surprised? And I should have known? Yep, stupid naive Jim._ No thanks. Jim had no desire to walk down that road and thus he had kept silent.

“Sure,” Jim said in reply to McCoy’s request and gave his best smile but it was a faint imitation of his earlier light-up-a-room smiles. McCoy had come to Jim’s quarters after his shift had ended. Jim motioned that he could come in. They seated themselves across from each other and Jim did his best to forget that this was how Spock and him had sat that night…which had also been the last night that they had played chess together and done anything not relevant to duty together.

Jim offered McCoy a drink and after they had drunk a few sips and had said the obligatory chitchat, Jim broke the ice. “So…what was it you wanted to discuss?”

“You…You and Spock.” McCoy was as direct as always.

Jim’s eyes darkened. “There is no Spock and me.” It was still painful to say. Jim wondered if it would ever feel better than this. Time might heal all wounds but on this matter Jim felt that time was moving too slowly for his taste.

McCoy fingered his glass, then set down it down and leaned towards Jim. “Something has happened between you two. Everyone has commented on it.”

”People should mind their own business,” Jim said harshly, trying to force the matter closed.

“Jim, for the last four weeks you have barely eaten. You’ve lost enough weight to seriously worry me and you seem…unhappy.” McCoy’s face as always showed his emotions, and it now reflected concern and worry.

“Is that my doctor or my friend speaking?” Jim asked suspiciously, knowing McCoy had the authority to take his command from him if he found Jim unfit. The thought of losing command was terrifying to say the least. His duty and love for his ship and crew was what got him through the days.

“Both, but I’m not trying to take command from you. You are fit to command but I’m worried,” McCoy said softly, letting his concern show clearly in his voice and face. “You’ve always been a brave man but in these last four weeks your bravado has led to carelessness - even recklessness. You’ve ended up in sickbay twice in that time - and that’s a record…even for you.”

“Just leave it alone, Bones.” Jim’s voice veered between a command and a plea. Jim had been both happy and hurt that Spock came to see him in sickbay after those incidents but the Vulcan had displayed no hint of concern, his mask of professional courtesy firmly in place. There had been a few times during his trips to sickbay where he had thought he’d seen a flicker of concern in Spock’s eyes or face but it was gone so quickly Jim was sure he was only seeing what he wished to see.

“Jim…I don’t want to always have to pull teeth with you about your emotional issues but where you and Spock are concerned it seems to be the only way,” McCoy said with a sigh, hating what he was about to say but knowing Jim would stay as silent as Spock if he could get away with it and thus they would be back at square one. “If you don’t talk about this I fear this self-destructive pattern of yours will worsen and then I will have to reevaluate your mental fitness for command.”

“You sure know how to win a man’s confidence.” Jim couldn’t help the sarcasm. He wasn’t surprised by McCoy’s tactic - he had seen it before - but he also knew that McCoy would do what he’d threatened if he felt it was in Jim’s best interest.

McCoy shrugged. “As long as I can help.” His blue eyes seemed to pierce through Jim’s soul. His voice grew softer and kinder. “What happened with Spock that night a month ago after you two went to play chess? Something major must have happened for everything to have changed like this.”

“You’re the psychologist. Why don’t you tell me?” Jim’s tone of voice was not entirely as unfriendly as his words.

“Okay,” McCoy said slowly, knowing he was gambling but still fairly sure his bet was sound. “I would guess you either tried to get together that night and one of you said no or you have been together for a while and broke it off.” He doubted the latter as he simply couldn’t see Spock able to break that free from his Vulcan shell to have any kind of sexual relationship, but given the rumors on the ship about Kirk and Spock he decided to add the possibility anyway.

Jim was startled at McCoy’s insight, but quickly realized that he wasn’t that surprised, all things considered. Bones was a good doctor and a good observer and he knew both Spock’s and Jim’s psychological profiles from start to finish. “Actually a bit of both,” Jim admitted with a humorless laugh.

“That was a quick affair…even for you,” McCoy said, trying to lighten the mood. To his surprise Jim didn’t smile but instead his face fell in hard, almost pained folds.

“Bones…do you really see me like that? Is that how everyone sees me?” he asked softly, pained.

“One who has many affairs or short ones?” McCoy asked, all traces of humor gone from his voice and face.

“Both.”

McCoy thought for a while, knowing this was a serious question. “You are a Starship Captain and as such longer relationships are difficult so short affairs are to be expected. On the “many” affairs part… I know you better than anyone, I am one of your oldest friends, and I know you give your heart quickly but there’s nothing wrong with loving people that way. However I also know that many of the women you loved you never bedded, and flirting and kissing hasn’t been considered ‘an affair’ since the nineteenth century.” McCoy’s thoughts went to Edith. He knew Jim had never been intimate with her; he knew also how much Jim had loved her and how deeply her death had affected him, so he decided against mentioning her.

Jim smiled a small smile but still persisted. ”So people don’t find me…” He trailed off, not sure how to say it but the thought had disturbed him for weeks, ever since his night with Spock. Why had Spock picked him for his ‘experiment’? Was it because he was thought, by Spock and everyone else, to be only interested in casual sex, to be that insensitive to other people’s emotions? That thought disturbed him to no end.

“Promiscuous?” McCoy supplied softly, seriously. Jim nodded, pain clear in his eyes and McCoy’s voice became compassionate and warm. “No, Jim,” he said reassuringly, and shook his head to amplify his point. “Tales always get exaggerated but those who matter know you well enough to know that far from all tales are true.” Jim nodded his thanks and relaxed a little. “What brought this on anyway?” McCoy asked curiously. “Does it have to do with Spock?” The sharp intake of breath and flash of pain in Jim’s eyes assured McCoy that he was right. “What happened?” Bones prompted gently.

Jim emptied his glass and refilled it, taking a deep breath before he began to explain. “Since our detour to Vulcan I’ve known I love Spock more than a friend or a brother but I was sure these ideas were useless so I fought to hide them. I thought I was successful until that evening.”

“He was shocked?” Bones asked sympathetically. Jim gave a short but harsh laugh that sent shivers down Bones’ back.

“If only… That I would have been able to understand.” Jim emptied his glass in one swallow. “No…He said he found the idea of sex with me ‘fascinating’.” He winced at the word, wishing Spock didn’t use it so much during their daily routine. Now, even hearing the word ‘fascinating’ from Spock’s lips was distracting as well as disturbing. However to his relief Spock had almost solely used the word ‘interesting’ since that fateful evening. Whether this was intentional or not Jim couldn’t even begin to guess since he only saw Spock when on duty with him and during that time he betrayed no emotions or anything else at all and spoke to him only when he absolutely had to.

“He did?” McCoy didn’t hide his surprise.

“Oh, yeah and he acted accordingly,” Jim said bitterly.

“So you had sex and the next morning you got cold feet about sleeping with your best friend not to mention Vulcan First Officer?” McCoy suggested to move the tale along. Jim gave him an icy look.

“No, and who’s telling this anyway?” McCoy raised his hands in defeat and Jim went on. “All I said was good morning to him and then I said that we should talk about what had happened. He acted super-Vulcan from then on, called me ‘Captain’ and not ‘Jim’. He asked to use the bathroom first and I agreed. When he came out he dressed and then he thanked me.” Jim broke off, his face twisting in bitterness and hurt before he could continue, his anger coming through in his words. “He thanked me for having been a good experiment in human sex or something like that!” He refilled his glass and took several large swallows of his drink. Even now just the thought of what had happened made him fight to keep his balance.

“What?!” McCoy yelled, his shock and surprise clearly readable on his face.

“That was what I said,” Jim replied with a dark smirk. The alcohol was beginning to give him that pleasant buzz that made sure words didn’t hurt anymore and that all memories were pushed to a safe distance.

“He can’t have been serious,” McCoy protested. There was no way he could see Spock doing that. Yes, McCoy had heard about Vulcan scientists doing exactly that, viewing it as a logical approach to answer questions about the sexual habits of aliens; and yes, Spock had a curious and scientific mind. But McCoy couldn’t see Spock doing this - not to Jim.

“He certainly seemed serious to me,” Jim said darkly and downed the rest of his drink.

“Jim, remember I said I wanted to speak about you and Spock?” Jim nodded. “Well, Spock hasn’t been eating much either and he too has been isolating himself, even more than you have.”

“So?” Jim asked, not seeing where he was going.

“Look, I admit that I normally think that Spock is a walking computer who could use a lot more emotions to balance his logic - but he has never been that way with you,” McCoy insisted, hoping to somehow help both his friends. 

“Well, he is now.” Jim’s voice had lost some of its harshness. He contemplated his empty glass.

“Jim…have you even spoken with Spock about this?” McCoy pressed.

“No,” Jim admitted. The thought of facing Spock and hear him repeat his words - that their lovemaking had only been an experiment - was too painful for him to consider. It had hurt enough the first time and he didn’t see the point in a repeat performance.

“Then do so. Ask him directly. Get some clear answers. Be honest about your own intentions so that he gets clear answers as well. Don’t make assumptions.”

Jim looked at him thoughtfully. He reached for the bottle, and tilted it toward his glass - then hesitated, and set it back down on the desk. He turned on the computer. “Computer, locate Mr. Spock.”

“Working. Mr. Spock is in his quarters.”

Jim turned off the computer and gave McCoy a smile that lit up his face. McCoy found himself beginning to relax. Jim’s smiles were part of the reason many who met him succumbed immediately to his charm - McCoy had heard more than one visitor compare the Enterprise Captain to a sun. His dark blond hair, warm melting eyes, charming being and then, of course, his smiles rarely failed to impress. “We’ll do it your way then, Bones. I’ll talk to him. Will that be enough to avoid your mental evaluation?”

McCoy nodded his acceptance and rose. He wasn’t sure what result he hoped would come out of Jim and Spock’s talk. He was sure that Spock would not wish to continue a relationship with Jim despite Jim’s wishes for the contrary. In McCoy’s mind, Spock was too Vulcan for it to happen, but he hoped they could get their friendship back. Though McCoy would never bet on the two of them being able to form a lasting relationship, he would bet his life that as friends the two of them were unbeatable and that their friendship would last forever. “Very well. Good luck then.” He wasn’t sure what to do next but Jim solved it for him when he gave McCoy a warm embrace.

“You have always been a good friend. My best friend… well, different from Spock…at least who he used to be…” Jim’s voice trailed off. 

McCoy smiled. “Yeah, yeah…Love you too. Now, get this thing with Spock settled. Doctor’s orders,” he said with a fond smile and disappeared out the door, feeling pleased with himself for helping, and happy for Jim’s kind words.

Jim smiled warmly for a moment, decided he would give Bones a bottle of Romulan Ale next time he got his hands on one, then turned his attention to the intercom system and focused on the task at hand.

“Mr. Spock, can you please come to my quarters?” he asked, fighting to sound normal. 

“Yes, captain,” Spock’s emotionless voice replied and Jim turned off the connection. Since Spock had quarters next to his he didn’t have time to reconsider what he had done before his door buzzed.

“Come in,” Jim called and Spock came in. He stood at attention before Jim, still in uniform, his hands clasped behind his back and his face emotionless. Spock hadn’t been in Jim’s room since that morning; Jim had to fight back waves of memories that just seeing Spock standing in his room again brought back to his mind.

“You wanted to see me?” Spock inquired, lifting an eyebrow at him. Jim sat down in the chair he had just left and indicated the chair opposite his that McCoy had just vacated - the chair Spock had been sitting in that evening.

“Sit down,” Jim said in his most emotionally controlled voice. He would not back down. Jim Kirk didn’t back out of a fight…no matter what. Spock sat down, sitting stiff and silent in the chair. “Our resident CMO has suggested we talk about this…tension between us,” Jim began, the alcohol in his system helping him find the words he needed.

“There is nothing to discuss,” Spock said dismissively.

Jim smiled bitterly at that. “But I really wanted to hear the test results,” he said sarcastically.

Spock looked puzzled. “I do not understand that request, Captain.”

Jim smile became icy. He leaned over the table towards Spock. “Your experiment with human sex…on me. I would like to hear the results you came up with,” he ended darkly, flatly.

Spock looked uncomfortable but then regained his control before Jim got to enjoy his victory. “I do not wish to discuss that subject any further.” 

Jim just nodded at that and leaned back in his chair, focusing on a spot on the wall behind Spock’s back. “Bones suggested I come right out and tell you about my side in this little ‘experiment’ of yours.” His words were more sad than bitter; he kept his gaze focused on that spot on the wall. “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve desired you since our detour to Vulcan. I tried to control it because I was sure you wouldn’t reciprocate.” Jim’s eyes locked with Spock’s whose mask was still holding, making him unreadable to Jim. “Apparently I was both right and wrong.”

“I am not sure I understand,” Spock admitted, his voice even and scientific. “Was the evening not pleasurable to you? Did you not get what you wanted?”

“Yes I enjoyed it but it wasn’t exactly how I imagined having sex with you would be like,” Jim admitted. At Spock’s mildly puzzled look, Jim added honestly but with a hint of sarcasm, “If it’s for your ‘research’ then the sex was good but your bedside manners afterwards could use some serious improvement.” Realizing Spock didn’t get his sarcasm Jim took a deep and calming breath and tried again, “I didn’t realize you were only interested in a one-time-only experience - I thought Vulcans needed more than that.” He hesitated for a moment before he added in a whisper, “I wanted more than that.”

“Am I to understand that you wished more than a ‘one night stand’ I believe is the correct phrase?” Spock asked, his control still holding, which irritated Jim to no end.

“Why? You have more experiments to conduct?” Jim hissed angrily, pleased to see a flicker of pain cross Spock’s features before his Vulcan mask settled firmly in place once more.

“No.”

Jim sighed as he saw that Spock had retreated firmly back behind his Vulcan walls. Spock wasn’t giving him anything to work with here. Jim didn’t feel like he had much to lose; everything in him was urging him towards complete honesty, urging him to disregard the consequences. If they talked this over, maybe it could make working with Spock at least tolerable again. Maybe it was just a matter of cultural differences. Painful as that ‘mistake’ was to Jim, it could be resolved. “To answer your question then yes, I would have liked more than a one night stand. Humans aren’t into having sex for the sake of scientific experimentation. We tend to create a bond with our partner.” As Spock gave no indication of wanting to add anything, Jim went on. “In my mind I also assumed you would be somehow involved in this…” Jim drew a deep breath before he continued. “Yes, I admit that I thought you would be emotionally involved when we were having sex.” Which, Jim mused, was probably one of the core problems in all this.

“Vulcans do not…” Spock began but Jim made a crude gesture and interrupted him.

“I don’t care about what Vulcans do and don’t do!” he said, irritated. “I loved you and you used me.” Spock was about to say something but Jim overruled him. “I know, I know. Seen from a Vulcan point of view, you did nothing wrong and I made assumptions, human assumptions, which given you’re a Vulcan I shouldn’t have.” Again Spock seemed ready to interrupt but again Jim went on. “This was all one big misunderstanding. Fine. I can try and move past that but logical or not I want…no, I demand an apology and then maybe…maybe we can try to go back to some kind of normal here.” Jim’s anger gave way and as he finished his sentence he heard the tiredness revealed in his voice. Spock looked shocked and surprised, his Vulcan mask falling apart to Jim’s dark satisfaction.

“You…love me?” Spock asked softly. Astonishment and pain were clearly visible on his face.

 _Well, at least I managed to break his mask,_ Jim thought with a hint of pride.

“Yes,” he admitted, seeing no reason to lie about it now that he had already admitted as much. His anger and fear of being hurt again by admitting his love returned and he added bitterly, “Even whores can love…on occasion. However next time you want to conduct experiments, I suggest you either find yourself another partner or start paying me by the hour.”

With cold enjoyment Jim saw how every one of his words hit Spock like a blow. Suddenly, before he knew what was happening, Spock was out of his chair and kneeling before Jim, hugging his knees and putting his head in his lap. Momentarily shocked, Jim instinctively began to softly stroke Spock’s hair in a comforting pattern, afraid he might have pushed the Vulcan too far.

“I could never think of you in such a way…I would never degrade you like that…Yet I did…I…I am sorry, t’hy’la.” Spock’s pained words were muffled by Jim’s clothing.

Jim’s anger dissolved like clouds on a sunny day. He gently tugged on Spock’s arms and reluctantly Spock released his embrace, an embrace which had been like a drowning man’s to a life raft, and lifted his head so that Jim could look into his eyes and see a world of confusing emotions racing there.

“It’s all right,” Jim said softly, confused himself but wishing to ease the hurt he could see in Spock. “I promised myself long ago that I would never try to force you to be human nor see you as solely that but I admit I’ve done it anyway. You didn’t act wrongly, seen from a Vulcan point of view. It was a logical thing to do. I just… I just had emotions involved that I shouldn’t have had,” Jim admitted softly, fighting to hide his pain at the impossibility of his love for the man sitting at his feet but finding it hard to do.

“Jim, t’hy’la, please speak no further,” Spock pled, his eyes and voice filled with agony. “Jim, my dear friend, I have hurt you and I never wished to do so…I am sorry.” Whatever else he wanted to say was cut short as Jim shook his head and spoke, his eyes beaming happily at hearing his name spoken from Spock’s lips again.

“You’re forgiven, my friend,” Jim said warmly, softly and Spock looked at him in wonder and astonishment.

“Just like that?”

Jim smiled at the disbelieving and amazed tone in his voice. “Yes, just like that.” How could he not? He loved him still and always would. He would rather have a small part of Spock than none at all.

Spock reached a hand up to stroke Jim’s cheek and he leaned into the touch to indicate that it was all right for Spock to touch him if he so wished.

“My Bright One,” he said softly as he drew his hand back. Jim had to fight to remain calm as he recalled Spock had called him this during their one night of lovemaking. “I almost strangled your light…I hurt you so much when what I wanted to do was to give you what you wanted,” he said sadly, his voice filled with self-accusation.

“What did you think I wanted?” Jim asked softly.

“I had felt your desire and I returned it. However my people choose one mate for life. You have had several partners since I have known you. I assumed you were not interested in only one partner. Over the months since I first discovered you wanted me I tried to ignore it but that evening I could no longer repress my reactions, though I tried. I never mated during my Pon Farr and it made me even more…receptive to my own desire as well as yours,” Spock explained.

Finding it hard to talk when Spock was on his knees beside him, in line to do a certain activity that his body seemed ready for but his mind and heart were not, Jim let himself sink to the floor beside Spock, kneeling beside him so that they were once again face to face.

“So you wanted to have sex with me because you desired me and wanted an experiment?” Jim repeated, to clarify, fighting not to wince at the word ‘experiment’. Spock noticed and winced as well.

“I am sorry. I should never have said that.”

“What do you mean?”

”There never was an experiment,” Spock admitted softly, ashamed. “When we awoke and you said you did not wish to sneak around I assumed you would ask me to leave and reject me…I am shamed to admit that I felt…angry and hurt though I had feared it would happen. Thus I found a logical way to deal with it…” his voice died out. He had loved Jim since he had first seen him and the very thought of being rejected after having dared to open up like he had done that night had filled him with a fear he could barely acknowledge. He couldn’t allow Jim to speak those words of rejection because he knew he could not bear to hear them; in his assumption that Jim would reject him like everyone else had done Spock had done it for him.

Closing himself off, fighting down any and all emotions had been the one way he could deal with having had Jim and then losing him. He had thrown out the uniform he had worn that evening; he had taken the word ‘fascinating’ out of his vocabulary, because even thinking of that word threatened to bring back memories that would break his control. He knew that if he let his control slip then he would be unable to deal with his emotions, unable to regain his control.

Seeing Jim in sickbay had almost shattered that control but he had managed to hold on with the desperation of a starving man grasping onto a last piece of bread. More than anything, he had needed his control and his logic to ignore the voice in him that had wanted to return to Jim - even if it would just be a casual affair for Jim. He had known that was all that it could be. If he had permitted himself to reflect upon his words, then he would have known that saying those words to Jim, hurting him like he had done that morning and then leaving him had been the hardest thing he had ever done.

“Better to reject me first and spare yourself the pain,” Jim translated for him, his voice just as soft as Spock’s.

Spock nodded. He should have known Jim would be able to see the true, illogical reason for what he had done. Jim had always had the ability to see the emotions in him no matter how cleverly he disguised them with logic. That was one of the reasons why Spock had come to love him. To the world he had to appear Vulcan and he did but Jim always knew what he was feeling without Spock having to betray his Vulcan side. It was one of the reasons why he had given in to his desire that night. He had been and still was sure that Jim’s ability to know his emotions without him having to speak of them, would mean that a bonding between them would be very possible. He knew, also, Jim would not want or demand that Spock change by being more emotional.

“I thought Vulcans can’t lie,” Jim added curiously. Though he knew Spock could lie if the situation called for it, he had always denied it afterwards and Jim had always wondered how lying could be explained logically.

“We… can bend the truth. What we did was experimentation of a kind.” For some reason Spock’s finding the logic in having done something as human as protecting himself made Jim laugh warmly but he quickly sobered again.

“So…why did you want to have sex with me?” Jim asked softly, his eyes glued to Spock’s lips to be sure he didn’t miss a single word. He could literally see Spock gather all his courage around himself and he almost burst in expectation, hoping against hope, yet fearing to be disappointed again.

“I love you.” It wasn’t that hard, after all, to say the words - words he had never dared speak before came easily. Spock wondered at the logic of staying silent when the emotion clearly existed, and when speaking of it brought such joy to the person who was the object of this emotion - joy he could see in Jim. He smiled so warmly Spock felt that Jim’s smile alone could light up the room, if not the entire ship.

“I love you too,” Jim repeated his earlier words and hugged Spock close, making Spock feel sad and embarrassed that he hadn’t had the courage to risk admitting his feelings before now.

“You do know…” Spock began, a hint of concern in his voice as he drew back so that they were eye to eye. Spock’s face and voice were soft and warm but were still controlled, unlike Jim who was beaming in happiness as he interrupted Spock.

“Yes I know about Vulcan mental bonds, and if you’re asking me then yes, I want to bond with you, yes, I want to marry you, yes, I want our minds to be one, yes, if you want children I want to adopt a child we can raise when the time is right or however else you want to do it…In short yes, to anything you might **possibly** want,” Jim said with a smile, his voice soft and light and holding a teasing gleam but Spock could see that he meant what he said.

Spock looked at him with such an infinitely soft and warm look in his eyes that Jim smiled even wider and felt like he was a precious jewel in the eyes of his beloved.

“You do not even know what else I might wish of you,” Spock protested in amazement.

Jim smiled. “I know you’ll never hurt me and I’ll do what I can for us to be happy together.”

Spock shook his head in wonder. “I do not deserve you,” he said softly. Jim blushed and shook his head.

“Of course you do,” he protested. “Besides,” he added more seriously, “when we made love I should have asked if you wanted to meld. I know how important that is for Vulcans.”

“I should have asked you.” Spock had resisted the temptation to meld with the man he loved because he assumed Jim would not want to do this and he hadn’t asked so he hadn’t been proved wrong in his assumption. To now discover that, if he had asked, he would have discovered the joyous truth so much sooner filled him with regret over his own hesitation.

“It was my fault,” Jim insisted, as always trying to take all the blame upon himself. Two could play that game and Spock was an excellent player. His face set, his mind made up, Spock shook his head to amplify his point.

“No, t’hy’la, the fault was mine,” he insisted.

Jim was about to protest, then smiled widely. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s start over and do this right,” Jim said, then leaned towards Spock and captured his lips in a gentle kiss before he drew back. Spock smiled ever so slightly at him but doubt still clouded his eyes.

“Can you start over? Forget the pain I have caused?”

“Yes,” Jim said with certainty. “Can you after thinking I would desert you?”

Spock raised an eyebrow at him. “I am Vulcan,” he said in a tone that clearly said that explained everything, which Jim thought it also did.

Jim laughed fondly. “I take that as a yes.”

Spock nodded, his eyes glowing, free from all doubt. His hands cupped Jim’s face, his fingers tracing the smile lines in his face, awed and happy to see the light had returned to Jim’s eyes and face after four weeks of seeing nothing but a pale imitation of the man he knew. “You are my Bright One again,” he said softly, warmly and Jim smiled and blushed at his loving tone and awed look.

“I love you,” Jim said softly as he leaned in for another kiss. Spock responded in kind before he replied.

“The sentiment is mutual.” Jim smiled happily at his words before a yawn interrupted.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. It had been a long day and that added with the alcohol he’d shared with Bones, and the tornado of emotions he had just been through made him sleepy in a good and contented kind of way.

“It has been a long and emotionally tiring day,” Spock said understandingly and his tone let Jim know that it was true for both of them. With ease Spock carried Jim to his bed. Jim was glad Spock ignored his halfhearted protest, since he was enjoying Spock’s nearness too much to actually want him to release his hold on him. Soon they were naked and spooned up against each other under the covers. Too tired and content to feel any sexual desire they were just happy and relieved to be together.

“I wonder if this was what Bones had in mind when he said to work it out,” Jim mumbled sleepily, feeling the hot Vulcan behind him, holding him close and safe, his grip saying that he would never let go again. Jim smiled happily at the thought for he never intended to let his Vulcan out of his sight again. 

“It will be an interesting experience to tell him,” Spock admitted, feeling as content as a lazy cat on a hot summer day lying in the sun – and Spock was basking in the sun in the figure of Jim. He was sure that the doctor would never have thought Jim and he would get together, much less bond as they planned to do. McCoy would most likely be unable to understand what Jim could see in Spock as a lifemate because he found Spock emotionally cold but knowing that Jim would nevertheless stay with him and defend his decision would have had Spock smiling in happiness at the thought if he had allowed himself to do so. Spock was sure the look on the doctor’s face would be priceless and due payment for all the teasing comments he had made over the years.

Spock drank in the sight of his lover in his warm embrace, still feeling amazed that Jim was actually in his arms. For a moment, he let his gaze stray, and he spotted the pieced-together statuette on Jim’s night table. “Did your statuette fall down?” he asked softly, remembering Jim had told him, after Sam’s death, that it had been the last gift he had received from his older brother and thus Jim valued it very highly.

“No…I threw it at the wall after you left,” Jim admitted. Spock felt sadness and regret knowing he had indirectly destroyed such a valued possession of Jim’s. He held his lover closer and kissed the top of his golden head.

“I shall have this one repaired so that you will no longer be able to see the cracks,” Spock promised softly into the silent room. Jim’s reply was so soft Spock almost didn’t hear it.

“I know you will… Just like you have done with my heart.”

Before Spock could reply he could hear Jim’s heartbeat settle into the steady rhythm of sleep. With great tenderness, Spock once again kissed Jim’s hair.

“I will make this up to you, beloved,” he vowed solemnly, his voice a soft whisper in Jim’s ear. Finally Spock let sleep catch him, knowing that tomorrow would be a good day because this time they would face it together… just like they would face all the coming tomorrows together. Whatever obstacles they would be faced with in the future, they would overcome them as long as they were together.

With the certainty of their love and that neither of them would ever be alone again, Jim and Spock slept peacefully, a warm smile still on Jim’s lips and even Spock’s lips had curved upward as his arms curved around his beloved.

The End


End file.
